Thursday, January 27, 2011

January


Do you ever feel defeated? Like your spirit echoes the grayness in the continually cloudy sky?
Every January I seem to go through the same valley and though I look in the mirror and recognize the scenery, it is still a battle each and every time.
A battle for joy.
I love Christmas and thinking on the birth of Christ and how the entire world was holding its breath and waiting for his entrance.
And then the angels sang and he was heralded into the count down to save the world. Time was ticking and the universe was transformed and because of that first breath, we celebrate.
I love trying to find special gifts for those I love. I love the music and the lights and the tree. I love being reunited with our family and eating until I bust.
It's a wonderful season.
New Year's is always anticlimatical, though thought provoking. Basically New Year's is just another step in the right direction... my birthday. I'll admit, I love to have a birthday!
I have this complex where I continually doubt people's love for me and this is just a small reflection of a deeper heart issue. I am realizing more and more how little I accept God's love for me and the worth he has spoken into me through his son. I am always beating on the door of achievement to reassure myself I am worth love and acceptance.
It causes problems.
So a birthday is a relief, a day when I am bombarded with messages of love and friendship and reminded that maybe I am okay.
There is also the fact that I have always... always looked forward to being 27. Don't know why but it's my favorite number and I always knew if I wasn't married, I would marry at 27. If I didn't have kids, I would do so at 27. Life would begin at 27... thankfully my life has already been full and thus I don't have to make any hasty decisions this year (except to get bangs or not.. which I did).
Then comes the 8th. And the 9th. And the 24th.
Then I get the blahs.
I've read a book a week since December.
I'm ready for classes to start.
SJ starts to break in four teeth.
Job issues arise.
It's back to real life and the real sins that are always a part of that life.
Then I find myself doubting.
Why am I still struggling with these things? Why do I always fall into the same trap? Why do I love ease? Why can't I love others better? Why.. Why...Why?
Who am I?
Where is the Spirit of God in me?
And there's his foothold. That sly snake and roaring lion steps right in to my self love and self doubt and starts his whispering. The problem is, the secrets he whispers about my identity are so loud, they beat out truth. They make me dizzy and sick until I find myself crying out... SAVE ME JESUS!
I. WANT. YOU.
And I am falling.
I disbelieve Jesus' sacrifice was enough for a sinner like me. I disbelieve that I am accepted and loved by a God of truth and justice.
But every January, He hears my cry.
He picks up this broken and lost lamb from the very pit.
He dusts me off and speaks His Truth into my very soul.
You are loved.
You are accepted.
This world will be a struggle... but you. are. MINE.

4 comments:

cal+claire said...

I love you so much and am praying for you. While I don't go through that valley every January (I have a different month), I go through a similar thing.

I miss you so much and hope that we can talk soon, maybe I can cheer you up :)

the lewisi female said...

Thanks sista! I don't need cheering though... the Lord is bringing me through with his strong arm and has cheered me a great deal the last few days! But I would love to chat anyway!

Anonymous said...

beautiful start. I knew you had this in you. Just keep falling, let Him catch you. That's the hard part.

Blessings,
dallas dad

Anonymous said...

Beautiful, powerful words. thank you for putting pen to paper and thoughts to words
xoxox
s