Bloom

Part of living overseas is that I have started to get a 1000 foot (or mile) view of my former life.  In the midst of the struggles of living cross culturally I have been

A. longing for every crumb of spiritual food I can find

B. needing to protect myself from words that disguise themselves as for my good but in reality bring shame, guilt or despair. 

So, sorry facebook, though I love seeing every picture of the friends I miss, I cannot stand in the midst of a world that looks like all smiles: obedient and well dressed children, perfectly planned and executed family activities and constant success. 

And though I desire to know the 10 things I MUST say to my daughter or the 7 things to NEVER do, I cannot bear the weight.  In reality I am only doing 3 of those best practices but have limited capacity to tackle the others and of the 7 transgressions I am doing at least 3.  My poor child has no hope of becoming a successful adult with emotional stability.   (Which is why I desperately need her to know Jesus)

I know it can sound tongue and cheek when it is written this way but I am more than half serious.  I am completely serious. 

I am weak. 

I am vulnerable. 

I fail. 

And sometimes this seems to be the truest thing about me. 

But… it’s not. 

There was recently an article floating around the web about being STRONG. 

Strong is the new beautiful for our daughters. 

I admit, though I already knew better than to be scrolling around facebook, much less clicking on articles, I was drawn to the idea of a different definition of beautiful. 

There was a lot to like about this idea and much of it I resonated with. 

I want my daughter to play in the mud (sometimes) and jump from high heights and run with superhero speed and dream and play… with out worrying about her hair or dress or being dainty. 

As some one who always has and still does battle with body image… I want so much more for my daughter.

But I’m not sure strong is the word I would use. 

You see, I have just disclosed to you that I, her mother, am weak. 

Not only am I weak in the ways I just described but I am also physically weak… struggling with a body that does not work properly, hormones that don’t balance, discs in my back that leave me with out the ability to walk from time to time, an allergy to the sun and all other living things and then the fatigue of living cross culturally. 

And the thing is, I know I’m not alone.  I have sisters/friends with many tiny children in their home… filling them with delight and exhaustion.  I have friends with emotional and physical disorders that disrupt their dreams and daily life.  I know that in an instant you can hear the words “cancer” and though you feel strong know that you are weak and that your life is out of your own control. 

“All flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass.  The grass withers and the flower falls but the word of the Lord remains forever.”  1 Peter 1:24-25

“For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.  As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone and its place is no more.  But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting…”  Psalm 105:14-17

“Those of low estate are but a breath; those of high estate are a delusion; in the balances they go up; they are together lighter than a breath.”  Psalm 94:11

“For you are a midst that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”  James 4:14

I want my daughter to feel strong… but more than likely there will be days when she knows she is weak. 

If I teach her that strong is beautiful, though she is fine with her size and shape and features, she will once again be plagued with the lie,

“I am not beautiful… I am not good”. 

So, my sisters, friends, mentors, children… I want you to bloom. 

When you cannot get out of bed, you can bloom.  God can work in the midst of your weakness and open up depths of beauty with in your heart and mind. 

In the midst of depression or deformity, the love of Christ can bring out in you the beauty we so admire in a flower bursting forth in the warm spring sun. 

When we are in the saving grace of Jesus Christ our beauty is secure and ever blossoming. 

In the midst of developing wrinkles and skin disorders I am confident that I will be more beautiful than ever because right now my spirit is diving head long into the love of my Father. 

He has taken me past what I can do and endure.  I am faced with the failure to be able to accomplish my will and yet He has met me here in the mire and called lovingly to me and I am lovely because He loves me. 

This is what I desire for my daughter to see and know more than any other strength or aspect of beauty. 

I want her to fall in love with a God who loves her far more deeply and passionately than any human can.  I want her life to be changed from one glory to another as she grows in relationship to Him and in His likeness. 

I want the same thing.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

Joyeux Noël et Bonne Fête etc etc....

I haven't had the space to blog.
I am sure I could carve out the time but when I put my foot on the gas I realize the tank is empty.
Closed for the day...every day.

To catch you up...

November 2013 (wasn't that yesterday?)
We packed up our entire life and moved from our favorite place in the world, Louisville, KY, back to our roots, Texas.
We were so blessed to be able to live with family while we waited for apartment approvals and visas to come through.  This ended up taking four or so months longer than expected.  (SO thankful for those generous in laws that housed us that entire time!)  This was a sweet season for us to have extended time with both sides of the family (Texas Our Texas....), friends from childhood and college.  It was especially wonderful for Stella, and for us to watch her really bond with our family (she usually sees them 2-3 times a year for a few days each).  I would not trade those months.

March 2014: The Big Move
We finally nailed down an apartment and finalized our Visas and hopped onto a plane and the next thing we knew our lives were permanently changed.
With in a week SJ started public school at the maternelle (like preschool but public... all children start the year they turn 3 and have 3 years in maternelle before going into first grade at 6yo).
With in the month Drew and I were also in school and Drew was back at work (from home) and we were figuring out how and where to get groceries and sheets and lamps etc.
It was a beautiful time.
Everything was exciting and fresh and new.
All of God's timing and work seemed to clear and so right and we felt safe with Him as our guide.

It was also hard... mostly for SJ, which in turn was hard for our parental hearts.  She did not adjust well to school (read: cried every.single.day) and making friends is quite hard for her even in the states.
Then came summer, the end of school and the beginning of "The Sickness".
I can laugh about it now but it didn't seem super funny then.
We all seemed to get the "ick".  Where you just don't feel right and you don't know why.  Mild stomach issues for weeks and weeks,  severe stomach viruses and strange fever episodes and "the.rash"... the head to toe, doctor stumping, 10-week-long rash that mysteriously took over every waking hour.. which was every hour, b/c sleep could not tolerate such itching.

Consider the honeymoon cancelled. over. terminated.

In all honesty, even though it was really rough, we still managed to have a pretty good summer and truth be told, still loved France and our new city.
The fall was full of re-entry: back to working overtime, back to daily school for me and SJ and back to trying to parent the introverted english-only tantruming child.
Add to that VISITORS!
We had so many wonderful visitors in the fall, it was refreshing and draining.  Prepping for the arrival of, then hosting in the midst of struggling through our own culture shock and daily duties, then the goodbyes and trying to re-find "normal" and help our child to do the same.
Our family discovered that we do best with routine... our family also discovered routine is not to be found in living a cross-cultural life.
And with a skip, a hop and a nap... it's CHRISTMAS and we've been here 9 months!
(Pregnancy was truly easier. )

Hence the hiatus on the blog.
After rallying the troops in the morning and getting SJ safely into her class and then walking down hill to my class (breaking my head open with French) and then up hill to get SJ again, lunch prep, back to school for Stella, walk to the grocery, figure out French groceries and lug it back, head to pick up SJ, make it home, get dinner ready and get child in bed... my brain is blank.
A blinking cursor with nowhere to go.

Also, I HATE to sound like a complainer... and sometimes at the end of a long day that's all I have left.  But don't you feel like that too some days?  Even in the states life gets HARD or dark or busy and some times at the end of it all you just need some one to decompress with who knows that all of the hard and dark and busy doesn't cancel out the answered prayer, the joy, the victories!

So if you've made it to the end, whew, you are a champion.
I'm hoping as this new year rings in to decompress a little here.  Join me if you are so inclined.  There will be exhausted rants and there will be stories of joy.
That's how all true stories go.

Why We Keep On Singing

Bonjour!
We made it (more on that another day).

Now that I am in France I find myself disconnected.  Disconnected from friends and family and disconnected spiritually.  The spiritual food was free and free flowing in the land that I come from.  Now I have to forage for my own food because even the places serving here are speaking a tongue my heart can't recognize (YET).

So this new situation finds me a little more frequently in the land of social media.  I am a little more inclined to read the articles that circulate on Facebook if they are posted from a trusted friend.

The other day I found myself in just such a situation, reading a blog that was entitled Stop Singing Oceans or something to that effect.  I have sung that song so I opened it up for a read.

The author makes a good point that many people sing words in songs at church that they do not mean and that they never intend to follow through with.  This is her main point and I have no argument with the need to search our own hearts as we come to worship and that the words we sing should mean something.  (What follows is not an argument against her thoughts but where my heart has taken me since reading. )

Today I found myself thinking as I hiked back from class with my favorite Sojourn tunes blaring in my ears... what if I stopped singing every song that made me a hypocrite?  What if I stopped singing the songs that were hard for me or that I had blatantly contradicted with my thoughts or actions?  What if my struggle with fear and unbelief were put on a scale and weighed with the strength and passion of the words I sing?

I would have nothing to sing.
Sunday mornings would be mute.
People with their heads bowed low in shame... or no people at all because their half hearted attempt was exposed... why waste time faking it if you can't do it right?

We cannot do anything for God that He cannot do himself.
We have nothing to offer.

One thing I loved about Sunday gatherings is the idea that it is a time to remind ourselves of who we truly are.  
During the week you might do any manner of things that make you believe something about yourself... failure, weak, ugly, disappointment, selfish etc...
You and I are people with acute amnesia.
We need to meet together and remind each other of who we really are.

We are children of the one and only God.
We have been called and justified and LOVED.
We are being sanctified, renewed day by day, forgiven.

No matter how messed up you are, even if you can't muster up the strength to pretend you care, if you have been saved by the blood of Christ you can sing out.

Maybe for only a millisecond you truly mean with your heart what you sing... God can.
God can move you... even if you don't mean it!
God is bigger than your passion or lack thereof.
God is stronger than the clutch you have on your wallet, unbelieving boyfriend, identity.

I can say this with confidence b/c look at where I am!!
I prayed hundreds of times growing up that God WOULD NOT call me to overseas missions.  Maybe this is because I felt the nudge or just b/c I was terrified to be taken so far out of my comfort zone... As I grew up I felt I had a say in my destiny and so I no longer felt the need to pray against such a calling.
Then after years of struggling and uncertainty I opened my hands and in a short and simple prayer (not really even for myself as much as my hubs) I told God I was completely open, asked Him to reveal his will and I would go or do whatever.
Ummmm... two years later I was moving out of my house and waiting for Visas to move to France.
What the what?!

So brother.  Sister.  Raise your hands and sing out.  Open your heart as much as you can to your God. Ask the Spirit to help you.

You won't do it perfectly.
You will struggle to stay focused.  You will be distracted by that girl's super cute cardigan or that guy's awesome voice or that missed keyboard note or the cold or the hot or your whatever....
You can't worship right.
You can't make yourself holy or presentable before the sovereign God.
You just get to come in your rags and allow some one else to cloth you with their righteousness.

Counting Down...For Real

We have a date!
Not the same kind of date we have had in the past... where we were hoping that by a certain day we would be able to go.
More like we are actually leaving on this specific day!  (Lord willing, of course)

Our visas have arrived at the French Consulate in Chicago!
This is the movement we have been waiting on for MONTHS!!
Now, we will have to travel to Chicago to have a final interview and turn in the last bit of paperwork and then we should receive our Visas!

Our teammates in Louisville are actually interviewing tomorrow and we should interview some time next week!
Thus, they hope to leave by the 10th of March and we will follow on the 18th!

It is hard to believe that this is real after so many delays and bumps in the road.
It's hard to believe we are going to begin living in France in just a few short weeks.
It's extra hard to believe our little SJ will begin French school only a week after we arrive!

Our lives are about to be turned upside down and inside out!

AND WE ARE SO THANKFUL!

We are ready to jump in with both feet.

Just as having a baby/child is WAY harder than being pregnant and yet you still yearn to deliver that baby after 40 weeks... we have been waiting and praying and looking forward to this new step even though we know it will be harder than we can imagine or prepare for.

Please join us in praying for the weeks ahead and our transition!

At the RIGHT Time.

Guess where I am?
In Texas.

Were you getting excited, did your heart start to race thinking about us finally in France?  We know how you feel, it's sort of disappointing right?

At this point, our departure has been delayed at least four times.
Four times we have begun to pack and say goodbye and four times delayed.

Some times the delays are frustrating.  For me, the first delay was the worst but once my expectations were broken down, each new hurdle is less and less surprising and therefore less upsetting.
However, as the days tick on, though I am not distraught or frustrated, I am beginning to feel worn down and a little blah.

Fundraising is a trial as well.  We got off to a great start with very faithful family and friends.  Then there was a lull and then another big push.  Then, things seemed to come to a screeching halt.  We would check our account and there would be no change again and again.  We began to wonder what God was doing and how the rest of the funds would be raised but we also knew, there was basically nothing else we could do but wait on the Lord to provide.  When you've asked every one you know, and every one they know and some people you don't even know... there's not much else to do.

So we have been waiting.

My sweet and godly Nana has reminded me over the last year that God ALWAYS provides but that often it is at the last minute, when we've stopped trying to do it ourselves, when we've almost given up.

I know this is true but it's hard to grasp when you approach the end again and again only to get an extended stay.  So when exactly is that "last minute" when God will act.

So we have been waiting and praying.

Oh man that sounds so godly and missionary-like... ha.  And we have waited and prayed but we've also cried and gotten mad and stomped our feet and thrown up our hands.  But after the tantrum, we still have to wait and what better to do when desperately waiting, than pray?

Today the clouds seemed to part and God brought in some last minute hope!
We found out that our remaining financial need is lower than we previously thought.
We have made some amazing community here in TX and they have faithfully prayed for us and one of these couples is using their frequent flier miles to book all three of our tickets to France... saving us thousands of dollars.
We also had word from the people who have our Visas that they will hopefully/probably/maybe be sent to the states THIS WEEK, which will enable the rest of our team to pack up and book tickets!
We are anticipating a new launch around the end of the third week of February!
We will be official leasers of a French apartment THIS WEEK!
My health is slowly but surely improving.  I am actually breathing out of at least half my nose right now!  (chapped lips rejoice!)

And to top off all of this wonderful news, it is 70+ degrees and sunny today and it's our first tantrum free day with the little one in over a week!

As I have been reflecting on the lessons all of this delay has brought, a verse pops into my head...

Romans 5:6   While we were still helpless, at the right time, Christ died for the ungodly.

I am so thankful to God for his saving grace and again and again He is showing me that I am still helpless and weak and that He does things at just the right time... His timing.

So even though I am sure there are more bumps in the road ahead and more tantrums and delays... Christ died for me at the right time and continues to work out His plan for His glory in His timing.

Praise be to God our Father and our Lord Jesus Christ!

When It Rains It...

Pours.

As I grew up I heard this phrase a lot.  My "bad luck" was infamous among family and friends and still comes up as a joke quite a lot.
When I married Drew he disliked this jargon.  He was quick (and right) to point out that our lives are not marked by luck and bad luck and that God's hand is not to short to ordain each moment and day.

Then in a class it came up again when the prof talked about how God will do everything and anything it takes to conform you into the image of Christ.

I latched on to this idea and has brought me comfort in hard times again and again
.
This sucks... but am I looking more like Christ?
This suck... but there is a loving plan.

However, there are times when trial after trial comes and my faith begins to quiver.  I begin to compare and complain in my heart.

I struggle to see people who seem to have a charmed life with out bump or bruise (I know it's not pretty!).  Things just go right for them.  I can't understand why this seems to be true based on the every day evidence and yet doesn't seemed confirmed in Scripture that talks about God's love for all people and his plan in my personal formation.

I want to feel his gentle love flowing over me in every moment but sometimes I don't.
It doesn't mean it's not there... but I'm numb.

So what now?

I retrace my steps... back to the Bible and in an instant my heart is humble again, soft again, refocused on what truly matters... not others... but Christ.

I am thankful that this season is all about focusing on Christ.
It truly is a wonder to think about GOD coming as an embryo and then tiny babe in the womb and then born in a manger and raised by humans... WHY WOULD HE DO THIS?!?
The only thing I can think of is love.

Not because some one told me the answer is love but because it makes no sense otherwise.

Why would he go to such lengths to save a hardened and sinful world.
Why would he sacrifice himself for some one like me that struggles and sins in the same ways again and again?

Love.

And in that word, in that truth, there is a sigh of relief...


____

Please pray for us this season!  We are on the cusp of leaving for France and many days it seems like if it can go wrong, it does!
We need financial support, health, and a place to live in FR and the patience to wait for each of those things to unfold in their time.

Blessings this Christmas.

Sorting

When we arrived in Dallas, a day later than planned, we dumped everything from the truck into the "front room".  Boxes and bags hang over arms of chairs and lean on each other, creating a maze of chaos.
We were able to extract the boxes full of kitchen spices, pans and food and load them up in the kitchen.  (Yes, my mother in law is a patient patient woman... and I cook her dinner =)  )
Then you have our room, clothes and blankets and pillows spilling over and under every surface.

Chaos.

It is often said that the way we respond to those we love or events in life reflect our relationship with our Lord and Savior... they reflect where our heart is.

"For out of the abundance ofthe heart the mouth speaks."  (Matthew 12:34)

As I began to see emotions bubbling out of my soul I started to try to look deeper and met with static.
You know that fuzzy screen you got back when TV channels were turned manually and most of them didn't work?

Just as my stuff is mixed and jumbled, so is my heart.

Away from my rhythms and routine, away from all the things that make me feel like me, who am I?
When I am not feeling on my mark and ready to sprint across the ocean, am I qualified to be a missionary?
When my child doesn't like me and is struggling and my husband is stressed and overworked and I still respond poorly, how can I call myself a Christian wife and mother?

Grace.

Ah, breathe a sigh of relief here.

When an angry mob, full of adrenaline and blood-lust rushed to Jesus and threw a woman at his feet, ready... wanting to kill her and trap him at the same time... what did he do?

Pause.

Grace.

"Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." (John 8:7)

Where are the accusers? Gone.

Gone.

I am not accused.
I am loved.

Just thinking about the peace and calm Jesus had during this exchange brings peace and confidence to my heart.
This is the Jesus I am following and trusting.
This is the Jesus I want others to know!

I am blessed beyond words.

I am so thankful for all of the blessings I have had in Louisville (and still have).
I am thankful for a wonderful place to stay in the meantime and time to spend with family.
I am thankful that even when life turns upside down, my Savior is there with peace and grace for my wayward heart.

Today I sorted through some boxes, literally and spiritually and am feeling a little less chaotic.

A Little Bruise

The day after driving from Louisville to Texas I bumped my knee and fell to the floor sobbing.
Granted, I did bump it very hard and there is already a bruise, but I have a feeling the tears were not about the bump.
I barely slept the night before, waiting for my daughter to wake up crying in the night, sweating through my clothes and not knowing where I was.
I never sleep well the first night away from home.
Then I woke up to a very needy and moody preschooler, who was ready for the day long before the sun.  And despite this wake up call, I was still managing to run late for our new preschool appointment.  It is twenty degrees warmer here than the home we left and thus I have nothing to wear... nothing that isn't packed in random, unlabeled bags and rashly packed boxes.
So, it was sorting through just such a bag or box that I managed to totally abuse my knee and fall into sobs.
Up to the day of our departure I shed nary a tear.  I was happy, excited about our new journey.  I was confident each of my amazing friends would stay in touch and continue our friendship (and still hope).  I was amazed at the opportunities already being presented for us to meet people and get SJ into school.  I was too busy to bother with tears.  It was obviously the Lord!
However, packing up our truck on that gray day was more sorrow-filled than I was ready for.  But even then, in the hustle and bustle I only shed a few quick tears and then was forced to carry on.  So, bumping that dreadfully boney knee was my first chance to let the flood gates open.
In those five minutes of tears I mourned not seeing my fellow mom friend every day as we take our daughters to the same quirky preschool class.  I mourned our fabulous fridays filled with other moms and their kids and the amazing fall weather of Louisville.  I mourned my home with my kitchen and my room and my stuff organized my way.   I mourned our amazing community church where we had been served and served.
Then I got up, changed clothes...again, and headed out the door to begin our life for the next two months.  Our life in-between two worlds.  That weird blank page after the last page of your favorite novel that is between you and your next story.
Despite all the bruises, I am actually relieved to cry and let it out and admit that there is sorrow amidst the joy and excitement.  I am praying we fill this blank page with meaning and memories and that there will not be a single page wasted.  

Four Weeks

We have four weeks left in Louisville.
When I turned my calendar from September to October I just stood still in the kitchen and stared at the page.  Black numbers with bright pink words dashed all around.  How did we get to October and how is my calendar already full?

October is one of my favorite months.

Yes, I am weird and have favorite months and favorite days and favorite times of day etc.
So, October is one of my favorite months because it represents all things fall.  Pumpkins and apples are ripe for picking.  Pumpkin Spice Lattes are everywhere.  The wind is cool and the sun is warm.  The days are shorter but still long.  You may need a jacket and you can wear boots.
We were married Sept. 30, which is basically October too!  (Happy 7 to us! 7 is one of my favorite numbers!)
October is also when SJ was born!  So we will have a house full of wild princesses very soon.

This October is special because it is our last month in Louisville for a long while.
We are having a dance party to raise support for our mission.
We are going to farms and fall festivals.
We are having a going away party.
We are having a birthday party.
And in the mix, we are packing up our lives and moving.

Random Praise Story:
Friday I was having a hard day being a mom (I had no clue four year olds could argue and act sullen like 14 year olds!)
So I was just about to call Drew and let him know about my day and ask for prayer and encouragement ... but first I needed to go to the bathroom and I could talk to him on my way to pick up SJ from school.  Then PLUNK... phone into the toilet.  SERIOUSLY?!?!  What timing!
I shot D an email and we both posted on Facebook that we needed a phone for the next two months.
This quickly turned into a praise because 1. when I picked up SJ we were able to have a heart to heart moment and I was able to reverse my own attitude and enjoy some time with her and 2. had to rely on God more than others to comfort me in my need and 3. a friend of ours offered me her old iphone on loan!
So after many years with only the most basic phone I am in the iphone world and what a world it is!
----
The reason this story is relevant is that one of the hard things about having so much going on is it is hard for me to keep up on the day to day.  Last week alone I missed two appointments just because I forgot and was busy with other things.
So now I can keep my calendar with me and add to it as things strike me... b/c they rarely strike me at home but weird places like pick up line or highway or line at the grocery!


Quick Update on France and Funding:

HUGE PRAISE!!!  We are very close to reaching our full goal for our $45,000 launch fund!
We still need $2000 in monthly support, which can also be viewed as approximately $24,000 in one-time gifts for the next year.

To give:  bit.ly/sojournlyon-lewis

Another praise is that we have several options open to us for SJs preschool in the DFW area.  This was something I had almost given up on and then all of the sudden several opportunities arose!  I am happy we can keep up that routine for her.

Please continue to pray for our financial support to come in.  We are planning to leave by the end of the year.
Please also pray for our team leaders who are already in France and recently found out a family member here in the States has terminal cancer.
Pray for our other team members who are also raising support and raising two little boys at the same time!
Pray for us as we move and pray for SJ as she makes several hard transitions.
Pray for us as we parent her, we need constant guidance and grace.

Thank you for joining us on this journey!

Preschool

Well our not-so-little SJ started "real" preschool this year! She is on her fourth week today and I am amazed at how grown up she already seems.
The first week of school she was a little apprehensive upon arrival but never really cried but just wanted to hold on to me.  She was happy when she came out but obviously exhausted and emotional.
The second week she would sometimes complain about having to go to school in the morning but then by the time we were dressed and ready she was anxious to go and happy and bubbly coming out.
The third week was smooth sailing... other than forgetting her backpack twice!  oops
She got to bring a snack on Wednesday and the person who brings snack also gets to  do show and tell, be the line leader and have special paint time.  Needless to say, Wednesday was an amazing day and she continues to talk about it.
I feel so blessed to see that she is happy and adjusting.
At first I felt guilty and questioned our decision to send her.  Was I being selfish? Was I neglecting her?  Thankfully God was quick to speak to my heart (while I was mopping) and remind me that this adjustment is so small compared to the school adjustment she will have in France.  We didn't put her in school so mommy could take a break, though it has been nice to run errands and clean house etc, but we enrolled her so that she would already be familiar with having to say bye to mom for part of the day and sit in class and participate and make new friends etc.  I am already witnessing God preparing her heart!!  The first two weeks she only talked with the friends from our church in her class, but now she has made a handful of new friends and knows their names!
Her favorite thing about preschool is definitely the snack time.  We gave up morning snacks this summer and she is overjoyed at the treat each school day!  This girl loves to eat.
Her least favorite thing are "the boys that break the rules".  She is always telling us how they "break her heart" when they sin and disobey.  So serious.
We have noticed that our girl is no longer a toddler but an official big girl.  She is so sweet and serious. She cracks us up with her humor and "good ideas".
Her goals in life are to be a mommy and a big sister......and maybe a pilot, or a teacher or a dancer.

Long Time; Big Changes.

(our team being commissioned by Greater Europe Mission)

I can't believe how long it's been since I last blogged.
I think I am just now coming up for air since January (thanks to preschool mornings).
So much has happened... so much IS happening.

In April we had training with our sending agency, Greater Europe Mission.  They are a great organization that trains and supports missionaries on the ground in Europe.  They don't contribute money but they contribute support (advice, counseling, training, team meetings/support with other missionaries) and strategy.  They also enable people, LIKE YOU, to give to us in a tax deductible way!

If you would like to partner with us go to:  bit.ly/sojournlyon-lewis

They also taught us a lot about partner development... aka fundraising and that's what we've been doing ever since.

Greater Europe Mission and Sojourn Community Church have both officially commissioned us (along with our team) as missionaries to Lyon, France!

Back to the fundraising.  We need approximately $5000 a month in addition to the salary Drew will be receiving.  This is the basic minimum for a family in France according to several missions agencies(accounting for the 30% cost of living increase as well as the strength of the Euro over the dollar).
We also need approximately $45,000 in launch funds to cover training and support costs with Greater Europe Mission (GEM), language school for a year, relocation agencies, and basic set up in our apartment.  "You can't take it with you"...we are applying that principle to just about everything we own!

Since April we have met with people on average 5 out of every 7 days in the week in Louisville.  We travelled through Texas during the month of August to see family and raise support.

Today we are thankful to be at 50% of our total need.

However, this is still 50% short of where we hoped to be by this date.  Our original plan was to move to Lyon in July, but because of things on the business end of things we were postponed until October.  Now we are having to postpone again until we can finish raising the support we need to live once we are there.

Our new launch date is January!

We will remain in Louisville through October and head back to Texas in November and stay until we leave for France.

Sad is not even an accurate word for how I feel about leaving Louisville.  This is my home and I love this city.  I love our church and our community.  I am thankful for SJ's new preschool and all her sweet little friends.  I LOVE fall in Louisville.
However, I am happy to have more time with family.  I am happy SJ gets more cousin time!  I am thankful it won't be 100 degrees while we are there this time.
I am also confident.  I am confident this is what we are supposed to do right now.  We were planning on saying goodbye to our Louisville family in October anyway and so this is not much different.  I am thankful for the amazing renters we have to live in our home while we are gone.

Even though this was not our plan A, we are confident this is His plan!
We are forgetting what lies behind and looking at what lies ahead!
We are savoring all our favorite things in Louisville.  Favorite restaurants, picking apples, watching the leave change, walking in all our favorite parks and spending time with our community and church.
I am rejoicing that I will get to see another nephew brought into this world and get to see The Hunger Games movie!  I rejoice that I will have a true Thanksgiving with my wonderful family and celebrate birthdays and Christmas with them one more time.
God is so good.  Even in the midst of major changes and uncertainty about the future, He reminds me of the joys I have ahead of me and the love He has provided both in Louisville and Texas.

Please pray for us through all these changes and please pray about partnering with us in financially support.  

To give:  bit.ly/sojournlyon-lewis

1 Timothy 2:15

And women shall be saved through childbirth...

I've never known what to think exactly about this passage and it has always irked me a little.  I have heard pastors and fellow moms expound upon the meanings and I have looked up the commentaries and all that but never has it really meant anything to my heart until this week.
My heart has been heavy to the point of breaking.  Many tears have fallen and many prayers have risen.
My daughter needs Jesus.  And so do I.
SJ has always been a serious child.  I think this contributed to her colic as a baby.  She is easily over stimulated and over whelmed by people and new situations.  She likes formula, routine, consistency, rules.
However, once we sort of figured each other out... somewhere between one year and 18 months, life with her was such a joy.
She is terribly cute and funny in her seriousness and very communicative at an early age.  We had normal girl drama and fussiness but up until her third birthday, toddlerhood was pretty easy.
At the three year mark we started to get some of the stronger will coming out.
Then, since my return from the most recent visit to France the tantrums began.  However, they were few and far between until the past week or two.  We could usually avoid them by avoiding situations where she might be overtired, overstimulated or over hungry...  however, life is not perfect and predictable so even that wasn't fail proof.
Since returning from Christmas, they have been every day, every bed time and many times in-between.
For some one who is naturally compliant and sensitive, this is a struggle.
When SJ hits me or screams in my face I just want to cower and cry.
I am not saying this to say my nature is better than hers... absolutely not.  I'm saying my weakness is perfectly fitted with her weakness to create quite the storm of emotion.
However, once I hit the bottom of the parenting barrel, I looked up.  Since then, I have been trying to fix my gaze on things above... on the One above who I desire to please more than SJ, Drew or even myself (gasp).  I am fixed on the loving gaze of the One who loves my daughter right in the midst of her rage and who loves this mama right in the middle of her weakness.
And each day I have felt His strength through me.
The strength to not take every fit and act of defiance personally (though I still do sometimes).
The strength to hold the raging child with peace and love and patience.
The strength to remember to pray pray pray... and then pray some more.
The strength not to give in to my self pity and depressing moods but to keep persevering.
None of that strength is from me.  I am not a boot straps person.  I am a call the husband weeping in the car with a screaming child strapped in the back seat sort of person.
I am a curl up in a ball and cry or watch TV until I forget person.
Only in Christ is there any good, any chance of a glimpse of good parenting, any ability to love beyond what naturally pleases me or makes me feel good.
And I have seen Christ emerging from me little by little day by day and then this verse comes to mind and I see Him saving me.
Not that my salvation was in doubt until now but I see him making me look more like himself.  I see the changes this struggle is bringing and hopefully will bring in the future.  I see that with out this challenge... with out this hardest thing I've ever done called parenting thing... I would not have this growth in the same ways.. I would not taste the sweetness mixed with the bitter and sour.
Today I am encouraged that though I am one step forward and two steps back with my toddler, than I am ever forward on my journey with the Lord and that HE IS FAITHFUL.  yes.
And He is LOVE.

Trip to Lyon: Recap

Last month I was able to go with our team leaders to Lyon, France.  We were the first "eyes on the ground" for the team and hoping to get a feel for the city and understand what it will be like to live there a little more. 

Tuesday was a travel day for the team leader's wife and her five year old and myself.  Our traveling was relatively easy and we all got to watch movies and catch a little sleep.  I am so so thankful that we made all connections and our luggage made it with out a single issue.  If you know anything about me and travel, you know this in and of itself is a miracle!

Wednesday we arrived in Lyon to find a local from Lyon (a business contact) holding our name on a sign.  JP is a true gift from God.  I am already hoping and praying for his salvation and for the ways our group can love and serve him in the years to come.  He took us to our hotel, walked us all around downtown Lyon and even bought us dinner.  He even had a toy tiger waiting for the little one in the car... this tiger was also to accompany us every where from then on (with out getting lost!).  We should've taken pictures of all the places that tiger went.  We were exhausted and stayed in a hotel and slept... a little too well.  

Thursday we were to meet F_ at 11am to go to the apartment we were renting in Croix Rousse (CR)... we got a call from the front desk at 11 saying he was there... we were all still asleep.  We threw on clothes and went to the apartment... which was amazing.  Then we headed straight out again to walk the streets and see if we could find our way around some of the places JP had taken us during our travel hang over the night before.  We did it.  We literally walked all day.  We managed to navigate the metro (we are all pros by now, including the littlest), and find a great cafe creme, kebab, and other treats... namely bread and cheese.  We only got slightly lost trying to get back to the apartment in the dark... we were about a block away the whole time but couldn't get our bearings b/c we didn't know which way was North or South and everything looks so different in the dark!  We found our way though and decided to eat in the apartment and get to bed.  Team leader hub arrived that night.

Friday littlest was going to attend a local school but that didn't work out.  We did get to go to the school for our area (CR) and meet with the head of the maternelle (3-6yrs old).  She was super helpful and gave us a tour of the school.  They go to the Opera and invite artists and singers in to teach the kids and put on mini concerts for the kids.  There is a cute little gym and playground and really seemed like a great place over all.  It is just a stone's throw from the actual elementary school and about a 10min walk from our apartment.  

I personally felt really encouraged and overwhelmed here... though it was great and all, it really hit me hard that I would actually be sending SJ to school next year and lose so much time with her and not really be a part of her development as much.  However, I was comforting that they seemed totally ok with kids just going for a half day for a while and gradually working up to a full day.  She said they would meet with parents to help them know how their kid is adjusting.  After this we walked some more and TLW (team leader wife) and I had an AMAZING dinner out on the town.  

Saturday afternoon we met with a local pastor/church planter (American nationality but raised in Africa and France) and his wife (who is French) and their three boys (and one on the way).  They were super friendly and talked to us a lot about transitioning and what their church is like.  They highly recommended bringing furniture and everything from the States b/c it's so much more expensive in France... we however don't have a lot worth taking so TLW and I briefly mentioned maybe all of our team sharing a part of a crate thingy and splitting the cost.  The wife talked a little about how there are not a lot of stay at home moms and that there is not a lot of community.  This seemed specific for their church simply b/c every one lives far away from each other and far from the city center, so it is difficult for many to make the drive many times a week.  Then you factor in kids and school etc etc and it's nearly impossible.  

Their church meets Sundays for one service and kids stuff is during the preaching.  They meet throughout the weeks in smaller groups that are in the process of becoming church plants.  Not as much a community group as a church plant it seemed... wasn't really clear on how this looks and works out.  It was a long long-term plan.  The pastor was SO generous and obviously has a vision for his church and a passion for the people and for church planting.  

After we met he took us up to the Basilica to see Lyon by night.  It was amazing and sad to look over a city so beautiful and so lost.  He gave us a complete history of Lyon and Christianity in about 30 minutes and it was heart wrenching for me.  Lyon has seen a repeated cycle of Christian growth and vitality marked by tragic suffering and persecution.  The Basilica was actually built to worship Mary.  It's hard to think about if we are a part of a resurgence of the faith... will our children or even ourselves then be a part of the persecution.  I'm not proud of this, but that scares me.  

Sunday we went to the church.  The main thing I will say is that the people were so warm and friendly.  We had a couple of invites to meals from complete strangers and many offered to help us as we plan and prepare to move.  There were a lot of N. Africans and a good mix of Swiss and French.  

More eating and walking after...

While at this church is really hit me: we have to learn the language to survive.  I was worse than a toddler there, I was a mere infant, unable to communicate anything more than a basic hello or goodbye and a friendly smile.  It's hard not to feel stupid and embarrassed in these moments... so I am channelling all those feelings into language learning!

Monday we met with two pastors from Acts 29 Europe (who are in Paris) and another local church pastor.  The pastor is Lyonaise but his wife is from Ohio.  We chatted over lunch.  I have no idea what the guys talked about but the ladies talked more about schooling and their church.  They encourage small accountability groups between men and women (separately) and have community groups through out the week.  They also have women's ministries just beginning at their church.  They have two grown daughters and a grown son, all who were raised in Lyon.  They all went to public school until middle school ish and then attended the international school.  She expanded a little on the stay at home mom issue but said she really tries to promote it when she can.  This is a much bigger church than the other but there were a lot of things about it I resonated with.  They do not have many N. Africans but a good amount of West Africans and then a mix of French and a few other Americans.  Then there was a lengthy convo with the Acts 29 guys.

As far as where to live...Lyon is divided into 9 arrondissements ... we (I think it's safe to say we) are still a little confused.  The 6th is very beautiful and seemingly family friendly with wide sidewalks and easy access to the center of town and metros.  I fell in love with CR, which is the 4th but it is on a hill and that could be really hard for a double stroller and/or new babies... but we're not ruling it completely out b/c it is more affordable than the 6th.  We didn't love the 3rd but it was close to the churches we visited and cheaper still.  1st is downtown and super pricey.  JP said the 9th and I think 7th or 8th are no good.  Many families live quite a ways out of town but I think we agreed we felt a little stronger about living in the city and having better access to metros etc.  

Thankfully JP has mentioned helping us find a good apartment (he was very protective of us ladies) as well as the pastors and other believers we met. 

I'm sure I'm leaving out a ton but I hope that gives a grasp for some of what we did.  In all that walking around we were pricing home goods and clothes etc too so we can have a better grasp for the cost of things ahead.

So Where Are We Now?

So what do you do when the dust settles?
What did Isaiah do after the coal touched his lips and he said, "Here am I, send me".
After the angels receded and the daylight returned... what did he do next?
Life keeps going, keeps ticking.
Plans have to be made and planned and replanned and then executed.
Something that I didn't expect was that it would be harder to start undoing all that we have been doing than saying yes to going.
When we first came to Louisville, we didn't know a soul.  Our first life-line to community was a random community group we were invited to.  These were our first friends, our first church family in Louisville.  I watched their babies come into the world, ate countless amounts of chick fil a, cried and laughed, celebrated holidays, babysat, learned to be a wife and a friend, dealt with conflict and watch the Lord call each of them away.
All that to say, we "got" community.  We really loved the vision our church had/has about living life in community scattered (community groups) and community gathered (Sundays).
Soon we were apprenticing to become leaders, then we had a group of our own.  For a few years that grouped morphed from a random group of college students, to singles, to newly married... all friends and all family.
We love community group!
Then we became coaches, the people who try and love and help community group leaders.
We love seeing the Lord work in each of our community groups.  We see immature Christians mature and flourish.  We see people with out a vision begin to serve and sacrifice.  We see a lot of love.
All that loving takes a lot of time!
It's hard b/c we are having to make time for new things:  French class for all three of us, France Team Meetings, School of Missions, preschool, going through and getting rid of all our stuff etc etc...
So we have to begin stepping out.
But how do you step out of something you love and enjoy and where there is a huge need?
So right now we are walking a very tight rope.
We are trying to faithfully love and serve our groups and other ministries, while at the same time starting up and faithfully beginning this new journey.
So, that's where we are.
Busy... but full of good things.
Stepping in and stepping out and needing a lot of grace to do both!
Realizing that the journey ahead will have bumps in the road but that the mission is worth any pain!

I Can't Believe She's THREE!

Dear Stella Jane,

Before I gush and tell you how much you mean to me and all the things I think are wonderful about you, I just want you to know one thing.  If you forget everything else, remember this.

I love you.

This last year has been full of so much JOY!

I am so thankful that I get to be a part of your life and see you grow and learn.

You have changed from my baby, to my toddler, and now to my little girl.
I still remember when I felt your first kicks inside of me and I couldn't even imagine who you would be or how much laughter and light you would bring to our family.
I had no idea some one could be so like me and yet different.
You are beautifully and wonderfully made inside and out.

With every day and every challenge and every memory, I love you more and more.

You are smart and curious and have a heart for other people, especially those smaller than you.  I love watching you care for others as you share with out prompting or offer a gentle hug or kiss to a friend.  You are always so concerned when some one is hurting or unhappy.  It makes my days when you whisper you love me or that you want to be friends (sitting together) or simply hold my hand or take a hug.  You are such a sweet girl.  A true blessing.

I pray that you would continue to grow in mind, heart, and strength and that you would use all of those things to love the Lord.
I pray that you would know HIM more and have a heart that desires to love and serve Him each day.
I pray that you will be a true light to this world.

I also pray that I would be able to know you and speak to your heart as you grow.  That you would always know I love you and love the Lord and that those two things shape the decisions I make each day.  And though I will sin against you and misunderstand you, I love you so much and am so so thankful that God entrusted you to our family.

I am thankful for you daughter.

Love,
Mommy

Processing #6

If you are just now reading, I would encourage you to go back to Installation #1 and start reading at the beginning of the journey!

Thankfully we were advised to take time and process the trip aloud with our spouse whenever possible along the way during our trip.
The funny thing was trying to figure out WHEN to process.
Maybe at 1am when we got back from dinner  or maybe first thing in the morning?  hmmm
I wouldn't say that I love mornings but I wouldn't say that I'm not a morning person either.  But for as long as I can remember, I do not talk in the mornings.  I remember my mom and dad trying to talk to me in the mornings before band practice in high school and getting made fun of for my variety of grunts.  Give me 30 minutes to wake up and get ready and then I'm perky and ready to go.  But right when I wake up, please be quiet.
One other problem we had was brain overload.  Neither Drew or myself are the most outgoing or most introverted but we both felt over-peopled each day.  Talking and getting to know people, while also taking in a new place every few days plus praying about difficult things going on back at home and then figuring out whether you feel "called" to move here permanently was a little overwhelming for the brain.
So we did process a little together on the trip but mostly I just felt like my brain was in stunned silence.
When we got back to the States I did my best to share with friends and family but I didn't feel like I could journal or really dive into any of it even on my own.  My brain had switched off and wouldn't even let me in.
After about two weeks, life was returning to normal and Drew and I had time to sit and talk and finally I felt like my brain was turning back on.
To sum it up, we both loved France and felt like we really could see ourselves fitting in a place like that.  We both felt the huge need that was there and desire to see people brought to Christ.
Neither of us felt that we would be disobeying if we didn't go or if we did go at that point.  We felt at peace to just sit and pray and ride out the process and see what happened next.
Well, we didn't have to sit very long.  Before we had even been back a month Drew was offered a job/internship with a new company.  No promises were made but there were some really good possibilities that this company would be interested in sending us, along with two other families on our team to France.  WHAT?
This may seem small and insignificant to you but it was pretty huge to me.  Over the last five or six years Drew has applied to COUNTLESS jobs.  We didn't tell people most of the time b/c we didn't want to get people's hopes up and then have to tell every one we didn't get it... again.  Turns out that was really wise b/c we didn't get any of them.  Drew was #2 again and again... as I previously mentioned.  We were open... we applied to Texas, Colorado, California, Kentucky, Indiana etc etc....
So for Drew to basically put in no effort and then get offered a great job that wanted to possibly take us to France.. was HUGE!
We had to wait a few weeks for Drew to finish well in his previous job... and to get a big quarterly bonus that will basically enable us to take the internship pay cut.  That's right... pay.cut.  As in, can't pay your bills cut.
So there was a little bit of faith leaping in there too.
So, we went from only mildly interested in our friends missions plans, to on a plane, to in France and now into a new job that Lord willing will have us in France fall of 2013.
Wow.
And did I mention that I have been praying praying praying that the Lord would give Drew a job where he could wear jeans and chacos?  Well, this job does!!  He would've taken it regardless of dress code but it is AMAZING to be able to dress casual to work... I can tell a difference already in his energy and happiness when he gets home from the new job.  Today he even got to ride his bike to work!
Now you are pretty much caught up on our journey thus far and I would love for you to continue to follow and pray for us as we ask God to do big things in the next year to take our team to France and then for more big things once we are in France.
We will be doing language school, missions school, figuring out insurance, getting rid of most of not all of our possessions, preschool, and then normal church life and family life and trying to soak in all of our "lasts" over the next year.
There is a good chance this blog will also be going private really soon... there are some that I know follow the blog that will be notified if a password is put up but some of you may read this from time to time and really want to keep stalking and I want you to... but you'll have to let me know how to get you the password.
My main concern is not endangering any current or future missionaries and protecting our children from unwanted predators (they are all of course unwanted).