Here Lately

(the new "cheese" face)

It's been a flurry of activity around this place lately.
In case you didn't know, Drew got fired. I can't tell you what a wind of relief swept through this house and this soul when this happened. Enterprise has been like a stink stuck in the house or a weighty hand, always present on my shoulder. I felt physical relief when the Lord released us from that grip.
Drew did nothing wrong and neither did the handful of other people that got fired but that's Enterprise for you. They got scammed and instead of fixing a corporate problem, they shift blame and put themselves in a worse position... no manager, no assistant manager, no salesmen, no one to do titles and no boss over them all... good riddance.
We have been praying that God would provide a way out of erac for over three years now and though it is not the way we would have planned it, we are thankful. Thankful for time to get our other house on the market. Time to love on one another. Time to rest.
There is already another job lined up and dreams of jobs to come and time to think about vision and desire for the future.
SJ is loving her daddy being around!
She's also been practicing her mommy skills, she's quite good!

Love

Tomorrow is Valentine's day and many of us are tempted to pout.
Men and women crowd around candle lit tables and whisper to each other their love and devotion. Sparkly trinkets glitter and boast from the necks, wrists, fingers and ears of each lady and truck loads of flowers are delivered into the open arms of love lit faces.
Is this the picture of you this Valentine's weekend or is you face a stone fortress begging for a battle, or a squinted eye blazing with jealousy or does the sun lack enough rays to dry your dew strewn face?
I will admit, I have been each of these things in turn and wonder today if there is More for our hearts to seek and find and dwell within.
A Lover who does not fail and who empowers us to be a selfless love-giver too.
Many a man (and woman) I know protest this holiday as consumerific and trite and yet this noble stance seems to fall from its lofty steed when we glimpse on the Creator of Love and how lavishly He continually refills our love-cups, even to overflowing.
So, when I am disappointed by a lack of effort... am I loving others first?
When I heap expectations on another... am I giving them the gift they would ask for?
When I withhold a word, a deed, a gift, to build my box of suds... am I honoring the architect of one flesh?
So this year, let us give love freely with out requiring a fee from those we cherish.
Let us give out of the abundance we have received from the true Giver.
May our children rejoice that they are known and loved and that their parents are known and loved whether or not pennies are pinched or spent by the pound.



My #1 received two batches of homemade granola and some yummy treats for work and my love bucket will wake up to heart shaped oatmeal bars.
My greatest gift was a three day weekend at home with the two greatest loves the Lord has blessed me with!
I love you Drew (and SJ too)!

PJ Magic

There is something magical about a toddler first thing in the morning.
Maybe it's the way her hair whisps about in all directions or the perky pajamas that seem to embody her personality so well.
Or maybe it's the kisses she gives her favorite babies, knowing the night has been too long to go with out such treats.
I think it is the lack of fog and the joy in the mundane.
When I wake up in the morning I assess all my aching bones and wind up the clock to tick through another day. The first few moments are hazy and wordless. Fuel is needed to plow ahead.
But for this little morning ray there is no haze to be cleared but bright beams ready for business, adventure and exploration.
There is love to be poured out that was stored away and there are treasures to be found out (despite the spankings they might earn)!
So I snapped some pics of your favorite blessing since it seems selfish to keep all her smiles for myself.
How did she get so big?

January

Do you ever feel defeated? Like your spirit echoes the grayness in the continually cloudy sky?
Every January I seem to go through the same valley and though I look in the mirror and recognize the scenery, it is still a battle each and every time.
A battle for joy.
I love Christmas and thinking on the birth of Christ and how the entire world was holding its breath and waiting for his entrance.
And then the angels sang and he was heralded into the count down to save the world. Time was ticking and the universe was transformed and because of that first breath, we celebrate.
I love trying to find special gifts for those I love. I love the music and the lights and the tree. I love being reunited with our family and eating until I bust.
It's a wonderful season.
New Year's is always anticlimatical, though thought provoking. Basically New Year's is just another step in the right direction... my birthday. I'll admit, I love to have a birthday!
I have this complex where I continually doubt people's love for me and this is just a small reflection of a deeper heart issue. I am realizing more and more how little I accept God's love for me and the worth he has spoken into me through his son. I am always beating on the door of achievement to reassure myself I am worth love and acceptance.
It causes problems.
So a birthday is a relief, a day when I am bombarded with messages of love and friendship and reminded that maybe I am okay.
There is also the fact that I have always... always looked forward to being 27. Don't know why but it's my favorite number and I always knew if I wasn't married, I would marry at 27. If I didn't have kids, I would do so at 27. Life would begin at 27... thankfully my life has already been full and thus I don't have to make any hasty decisions this year (except to get bangs or not.. which I did).
Then comes the 8th. And the 9th. And the 24th.
Then I get the blahs.
I've read a book a week since December.
I'm ready for classes to start.
SJ starts to break in four teeth.
Job issues arise.
It's back to real life and the real sins that are always a part of that life.
Then I find myself doubting.
Why am I still struggling with these things? Why do I always fall into the same trap? Why do I love ease? Why can't I love others better? Why.. Why...Why?
Who am I?
Where is the Spirit of God in me?
And there's his foothold. That sly snake and roaring lion steps right in to my self love and self doubt and starts his whispering. The problem is, the secrets he whispers about my identity are so loud, they beat out truth. They make me dizzy and sick until I find myself crying out... SAVE ME JESUS!
I. WANT. YOU.
And I am falling.
I disbelieve Jesus' sacrifice was enough for a sinner like me. I disbelieve that I am accepted and loved by a God of truth and justice.
But every January, He hears my cry.
He picks up this broken and lost lamb from the very pit.
He dusts me off and speaks His Truth into my very soul.
You are loved.
You are accepted.
This world will be a struggle... but you. are. MINE.

1.1.11

2010

I like to look back on the previous year and make a short list of all the big things that happened.
2009 was a huge year... full of changes with friends, church and our family...aka SJ's appearance.
As I look back on 2010 my list is very very short.
I feel like the main thing we did in 2010 was survive.
I don't mean that in a depressing way but in a realistic way. This time last year I was pretty much at my whit's end. Stella was overcoming the worst of her colic and I was grabbing desperately on to Christ to pull me out of sadness and anxiety that I couldn't handle on my own.
And He did!
The rest of the year was full of diaper changes and nursing and trying to get back into a new routine...and then another new routine with every change in our little girl's life. I have learned so much this year by the grace of God. I am no longer a leaf shaken by every small breeze. I know how to receive help and how to offer help.
For a while I felt like I just took and took and took as people provided meals and support and love to us as we transitioned into parenthood and I am so thankful the Lord then gave me eyes to turn it around once that season was over. I feel so much joy in being able to babysit or take a meal or sweep a floor... now having a much greater appreciation for what those things mean to another mommy.
I am thankful for continual healing in my sinus issues. They aren't gone but man are they better.
I grew in my understanding of friendship and natural food/cooking. I am so thankful for my friend Mandy, who led and walked along side me in both of those journeys.
As I look ahead at 2011, not too far ahead actually, I wonder what it will bring.
Will it bring other children with a different color or genetic code into our home? Will it bring a new job (please oh please)? Will it be full of mental and spiritual learning like this year or full of major events like the year before?
Whatever it brings, I just pray for the strength to walk through it all with grace and that this time next year I will be closer to my Lord and to my family and friends and glorifying God in more ways than I am now.
Grace and Peace this New Year!

Merry Christmas and a Happy Move In!

This picture is pretty much the perfect way to describe what is going on here.
First and foremost there is SJ and me. As usual, we are spending all day, every day together and wishing there was a little more daddy in the picture.
Stella is such a fun joy these days. She is walking and running all over the place. Some days she doesn't fall at all and some days she seems to have her head on crooked b/c she plops down all the time for no reason. Either way, she is happy and often a lot less messy due to her new walkin' skills! Stella has been doing really well taking two naps or at least two rest times and still sleeping 12-13 hours a night!! We only had a minor blip (four wake ups in one night... ahhhh) when we moved in to the new house this week but she seems to be catching on that this is her new home now. She still says "this" alllll the live long day but I try and identify as much as possible (even if she can't have it) so hopefully she'll learn some new words soon. I can't believe what a big girl she has become. She is really smart and understands more and more each day. I love being able to discover what is wrong with her when she is fussy and try and deal with the situation as best as possible... it has cut down on our tantrums tremendously!
My favorite this about SJ right now is that she has started to request to sit in my lap to "read" a book. It might only last a second or maybe several minutes but I relish it each and every time. I am really looking forward to her being around our extended family for Christmas b/c she is so much more interactive and outgoing than she has ever been around them and I'm hoping she'll start recognizing people as family since they have been around more and more.
This picture is also perfect because it shows the Christmas tree in the background. We are in full swing of Advent and love listening to Christmas music and looking at the tree and talking about our Salvation coming to earth! Even before we moved in, I set up our tree in the "new" house right in front of the front windows. I just love seeing the light and sparkle shining out of our house.
The final thing you will notice is all the stuff in the background! We just moved in this week and we are still living between two worlds a little. We got about 90% of our stuff here but haven't had the time or motivation (in the snow and ice) to finish up. Also, we are getting the upstairs carpeted (finishing tomorrow yay!) and so everything that will be up there is in the living room downstairs. Thankfully tomorrow Drew is taking the day off and the carpet will be installed and we can get things a little more settled before we celebrate with family.
Recap: Stella is big, Christmas is here and "here" is the new house!
Merry Christmas!