1 Timothy 2:15

And women shall be saved through childbirth...

I've never known what to think exactly about this passage and it has always irked me a little.  I have heard pastors and fellow moms expound upon the meanings and I have looked up the commentaries and all that but never has it really meant anything to my heart until this week.
My heart has been heavy to the point of breaking.  Many tears have fallen and many prayers have risen.
My daughter needs Jesus.  And so do I.
SJ has always been a serious child.  I think this contributed to her colic as a baby.  She is easily over stimulated and over whelmed by people and new situations.  She likes formula, routine, consistency, rules.
However, once we sort of figured each other out... somewhere between one year and 18 months, life with her was such a joy.
She is terribly cute and funny in her seriousness and very communicative at an early age.  We had normal girl drama and fussiness but up until her third birthday, toddlerhood was pretty easy.
At the three year mark we started to get some of the stronger will coming out.
Then, since my return from the most recent visit to France the tantrums began.  However, they were few and far between until the past week or two.  We could usually avoid them by avoiding situations where she might be overtired, overstimulated or over hungry...  however, life is not perfect and predictable so even that wasn't fail proof.
Since returning from Christmas, they have been every day, every bed time and many times in-between.
For some one who is naturally compliant and sensitive, this is a struggle.
When SJ hits me or screams in my face I just want to cower and cry.
I am not saying this to say my nature is better than hers... absolutely not.  I'm saying my weakness is perfectly fitted with her weakness to create quite the storm of emotion.
However, once I hit the bottom of the parenting barrel, I looked up.  Since then, I have been trying to fix my gaze on things above... on the One above who I desire to please more than SJ, Drew or even myself (gasp).  I am fixed on the loving gaze of the One who loves my daughter right in the midst of her rage and who loves this mama right in the middle of her weakness.
And each day I have felt His strength through me.
The strength to not take every fit and act of defiance personally (though I still do sometimes).
The strength to hold the raging child with peace and love and patience.
The strength to remember to pray pray pray... and then pray some more.
The strength not to give in to my self pity and depressing moods but to keep persevering.
None of that strength is from me.  I am not a boot straps person.  I am a call the husband weeping in the car with a screaming child strapped in the back seat sort of person.
I am a curl up in a ball and cry or watch TV until I forget person.
Only in Christ is there any good, any chance of a glimpse of good parenting, any ability to love beyond what naturally pleases me or makes me feel good.
And I have seen Christ emerging from me little by little day by day and then this verse comes to mind and I see Him saving me.
Not that my salvation was in doubt until now but I see him making me look more like himself.  I see the changes this struggle is bringing and hopefully will bring in the future.  I see that with out this challenge... with out this hardest thing I've ever done called parenting thing... I would not have this growth in the same ways.. I would not taste the sweetness mixed with the bitter and sour.
Today I am encouraged that though I am one step forward and two steps back with my toddler, than I am ever forward on my journey with the Lord and that HE IS FAITHFUL.  yes.
And He is LOVE.

Trip to Lyon: Recap

Last month I was able to go with our team leaders to Lyon, France.  We were the first "eyes on the ground" for the team and hoping to get a feel for the city and understand what it will be like to live there a little more. 

Tuesday was a travel day for the team leader's wife and her five year old and myself.  Our traveling was relatively easy and we all got to watch movies and catch a little sleep.  I am so so thankful that we made all connections and our luggage made it with out a single issue.  If you know anything about me and travel, you know this in and of itself is a miracle!

Wednesday we arrived in Lyon to find a local from Lyon (a business contact) holding our name on a sign.  JP is a true gift from God.  I am already hoping and praying for his salvation and for the ways our group can love and serve him in the years to come.  He took us to our hotel, walked us all around downtown Lyon and even bought us dinner.  He even had a toy tiger waiting for the little one in the car... this tiger was also to accompany us every where from then on (with out getting lost!).  We should've taken pictures of all the places that tiger went.  We were exhausted and stayed in a hotel and slept... a little too well.  

Thursday we were to meet F_ at 11am to go to the apartment we were renting in Croix Rousse (CR)... we got a call from the front desk at 11 saying he was there... we were all still asleep.  We threw on clothes and went to the apartment... which was amazing.  Then we headed straight out again to walk the streets and see if we could find our way around some of the places JP had taken us during our travel hang over the night before.  We did it.  We literally walked all day.  We managed to navigate the metro (we are all pros by now, including the littlest), and find a great cafe creme, kebab, and other treats... namely bread and cheese.  We only got slightly lost trying to get back to the apartment in the dark... we were about a block away the whole time but couldn't get our bearings b/c we didn't know which way was North or South and everything looks so different in the dark!  We found our way though and decided to eat in the apartment and get to bed.  Team leader hub arrived that night.

Friday littlest was going to attend a local school but that didn't work out.  We did get to go to the school for our area (CR) and meet with the head of the maternelle (3-6yrs old).  She was super helpful and gave us a tour of the school.  They go to the Opera and invite artists and singers in to teach the kids and put on mini concerts for the kids.  There is a cute little gym and playground and really seemed like a great place over all.  It is just a stone's throw from the actual elementary school and about a 10min walk from our apartment.  

I personally felt really encouraged and overwhelmed here... though it was great and all, it really hit me hard that I would actually be sending SJ to school next year and lose so much time with her and not really be a part of her development as much.  However, I was comforting that they seemed totally ok with kids just going for a half day for a while and gradually working up to a full day.  She said they would meet with parents to help them know how their kid is adjusting.  After this we walked some more and TLW (team leader wife) and I had an AMAZING dinner out on the town.  

Saturday afternoon we met with a local pastor/church planter (American nationality but raised in Africa and France) and his wife (who is French) and their three boys (and one on the way).  They were super friendly and talked to us a lot about transitioning and what their church is like.  They highly recommended bringing furniture and everything from the States b/c it's so much more expensive in France... we however don't have a lot worth taking so TLW and I briefly mentioned maybe all of our team sharing a part of a crate thingy and splitting the cost.  The wife talked a little about how there are not a lot of stay at home moms and that there is not a lot of community.  This seemed specific for their church simply b/c every one lives far away from each other and far from the city center, so it is difficult for many to make the drive many times a week.  Then you factor in kids and school etc etc and it's nearly impossible.  

Their church meets Sundays for one service and kids stuff is during the preaching.  They meet throughout the weeks in smaller groups that are in the process of becoming church plants.  Not as much a community group as a church plant it seemed... wasn't really clear on how this looks and works out.  It was a long long-term plan.  The pastor was SO generous and obviously has a vision for his church and a passion for the people and for church planting.  

After we met he took us up to the Basilica to see Lyon by night.  It was amazing and sad to look over a city so beautiful and so lost.  He gave us a complete history of Lyon and Christianity in about 30 minutes and it was heart wrenching for me.  Lyon has seen a repeated cycle of Christian growth and vitality marked by tragic suffering and persecution.  The Basilica was actually built to worship Mary.  It's hard to think about if we are a part of a resurgence of the faith... will our children or even ourselves then be a part of the persecution.  I'm not proud of this, but that scares me.  

Sunday we went to the church.  The main thing I will say is that the people were so warm and friendly.  We had a couple of invites to meals from complete strangers and many offered to help us as we plan and prepare to move.  There were a lot of N. Africans and a good mix of Swiss and French.  

More eating and walking after...

While at this church is really hit me: we have to learn the language to survive.  I was worse than a toddler there, I was a mere infant, unable to communicate anything more than a basic hello or goodbye and a friendly smile.  It's hard not to feel stupid and embarrassed in these moments... so I am channelling all those feelings into language learning!

Monday we met with two pastors from Acts 29 Europe (who are in Paris) and another local church pastor.  The pastor is Lyonaise but his wife is from Ohio.  We chatted over lunch.  I have no idea what the guys talked about but the ladies talked more about schooling and their church.  They encourage small accountability groups between men and women (separately) and have community groups through out the week.  They also have women's ministries just beginning at their church.  They have two grown daughters and a grown son, all who were raised in Lyon.  They all went to public school until middle school ish and then attended the international school.  She expanded a little on the stay at home mom issue but said she really tries to promote it when she can.  This is a much bigger church than the other but there were a lot of things about it I resonated with.  They do not have many N. Africans but a good amount of West Africans and then a mix of French and a few other Americans.  Then there was a lengthy convo with the Acts 29 guys.

As far as where to live...Lyon is divided into 9 arrondissements ... we (I think it's safe to say we) are still a little confused.  The 6th is very beautiful and seemingly family friendly with wide sidewalks and easy access to the center of town and metros.  I fell in love with CR, which is the 4th but it is on a hill and that could be really hard for a double stroller and/or new babies... but we're not ruling it completely out b/c it is more affordable than the 6th.  We didn't love the 3rd but it was close to the churches we visited and cheaper still.  1st is downtown and super pricey.  JP said the 9th and I think 7th or 8th are no good.  Many families live quite a ways out of town but I think we agreed we felt a little stronger about living in the city and having better access to metros etc.  

Thankfully JP has mentioned helping us find a good apartment (he was very protective of us ladies) as well as the pastors and other believers we met. 

I'm sure I'm leaving out a ton but I hope that gives a grasp for some of what we did.  In all that walking around we were pricing home goods and clothes etc too so we can have a better grasp for the cost of things ahead.

So Where Are We Now?

So what do you do when the dust settles?
What did Isaiah do after the coal touched his lips and he said, "Here am I, send me".
After the angels receded and the daylight returned... what did he do next?
Life keeps going, keeps ticking.
Plans have to be made and planned and replanned and then executed.
Something that I didn't expect was that it would be harder to start undoing all that we have been doing than saying yes to going.
When we first came to Louisville, we didn't know a soul.  Our first life-line to community was a random community group we were invited to.  These were our first friends, our first church family in Louisville.  I watched their babies come into the world, ate countless amounts of chick fil a, cried and laughed, celebrated holidays, babysat, learned to be a wife and a friend, dealt with conflict and watch the Lord call each of them away.
All that to say, we "got" community.  We really loved the vision our church had/has about living life in community scattered (community groups) and community gathered (Sundays).
Soon we were apprenticing to become leaders, then we had a group of our own.  For a few years that grouped morphed from a random group of college students, to singles, to newly married... all friends and all family.
We love community group!
Then we became coaches, the people who try and love and help community group leaders.
We love seeing the Lord work in each of our community groups.  We see immature Christians mature and flourish.  We see people with out a vision begin to serve and sacrifice.  We see a lot of love.
All that loving takes a lot of time!
It's hard b/c we are having to make time for new things:  French class for all three of us, France Team Meetings, School of Missions, preschool, going through and getting rid of all our stuff etc etc...
So we have to begin stepping out.
But how do you step out of something you love and enjoy and where there is a huge need?
So right now we are walking a very tight rope.
We are trying to faithfully love and serve our groups and other ministries, while at the same time starting up and faithfully beginning this new journey.
So, that's where we are.
Busy... but full of good things.
Stepping in and stepping out and needing a lot of grace to do both!
Realizing that the journey ahead will have bumps in the road but that the mission is worth any pain!

I Can't Believe She's THREE!

Dear Stella Jane,

Before I gush and tell you how much you mean to me and all the things I think are wonderful about you, I just want you to know one thing.  If you forget everything else, remember this.

I love you.

This last year has been full of so much JOY!

I am so thankful that I get to be a part of your life and see you grow and learn.

You have changed from my baby, to my toddler, and now to my little girl.
I still remember when I felt your first kicks inside of me and I couldn't even imagine who you would be or how much laughter and light you would bring to our family.
I had no idea some one could be so like me and yet different.
You are beautifully and wonderfully made inside and out.

With every day and every challenge and every memory, I love you more and more.

You are smart and curious and have a heart for other people, especially those smaller than you.  I love watching you care for others as you share with out prompting or offer a gentle hug or kiss to a friend.  You are always so concerned when some one is hurting or unhappy.  It makes my days when you whisper you love me or that you want to be friends (sitting together) or simply hold my hand or take a hug.  You are such a sweet girl.  A true blessing.

I pray that you would continue to grow in mind, heart, and strength and that you would use all of those things to love the Lord.
I pray that you would know HIM more and have a heart that desires to love and serve Him each day.
I pray that you will be a true light to this world.

I also pray that I would be able to know you and speak to your heart as you grow.  That you would always know I love you and love the Lord and that those two things shape the decisions I make each day.  And though I will sin against you and misunderstand you, I love you so much and am so so thankful that God entrusted you to our family.

I am thankful for you daughter.

Love,
Mommy

Processing #6

If you are just now reading, I would encourage you to go back to Installation #1 and start reading at the beginning of the journey!

Thankfully we were advised to take time and process the trip aloud with our spouse whenever possible along the way during our trip.
The funny thing was trying to figure out WHEN to process.
Maybe at 1am when we got back from dinner  or maybe first thing in the morning?  hmmm
I wouldn't say that I love mornings but I wouldn't say that I'm not a morning person either.  But for as long as I can remember, I do not talk in the mornings.  I remember my mom and dad trying to talk to me in the mornings before band practice in high school and getting made fun of for my variety of grunts.  Give me 30 minutes to wake up and get ready and then I'm perky and ready to go.  But right when I wake up, please be quiet.
One other problem we had was brain overload.  Neither Drew or myself are the most outgoing or most introverted but we both felt over-peopled each day.  Talking and getting to know people, while also taking in a new place every few days plus praying about difficult things going on back at home and then figuring out whether you feel "called" to move here permanently was a little overwhelming for the brain.
So we did process a little together on the trip but mostly I just felt like my brain was in stunned silence.
When we got back to the States I did my best to share with friends and family but I didn't feel like I could journal or really dive into any of it even on my own.  My brain had switched off and wouldn't even let me in.
After about two weeks, life was returning to normal and Drew and I had time to sit and talk and finally I felt like my brain was turning back on.
To sum it up, we both loved France and felt like we really could see ourselves fitting in a place like that.  We both felt the huge need that was there and desire to see people brought to Christ.
Neither of us felt that we would be disobeying if we didn't go or if we did go at that point.  We felt at peace to just sit and pray and ride out the process and see what happened next.
Well, we didn't have to sit very long.  Before we had even been back a month Drew was offered a job/internship with a new company.  No promises were made but there were some really good possibilities that this company would be interested in sending us, along with two other families on our team to France.  WHAT?
This may seem small and insignificant to you but it was pretty huge to me.  Over the last five or six years Drew has applied to COUNTLESS jobs.  We didn't tell people most of the time b/c we didn't want to get people's hopes up and then have to tell every one we didn't get it... again.  Turns out that was really wise b/c we didn't get any of them.  Drew was #2 again and again... as I previously mentioned.  We were open... we applied to Texas, Colorado, California, Kentucky, Indiana etc etc....
So for Drew to basically put in no effort and then get offered a great job that wanted to possibly take us to France.. was HUGE!
We had to wait a few weeks for Drew to finish well in his previous job... and to get a big quarterly bonus that will basically enable us to take the internship pay cut.  That's right... pay.cut.  As in, can't pay your bills cut.
So there was a little bit of faith leaping in there too.
So, we went from only mildly interested in our friends missions plans, to on a plane, to in France and now into a new job that Lord willing will have us in France fall of 2013.
Wow.
And did I mention that I have been praying praying praying that the Lord would give Drew a job where he could wear jeans and chacos?  Well, this job does!!  He would've taken it regardless of dress code but it is AMAZING to be able to dress casual to work... I can tell a difference already in his energy and happiness when he gets home from the new job.  Today he even got to ride his bike to work!
Now you are pretty much caught up on our journey thus far and I would love for you to continue to follow and pray for us as we ask God to do big things in the next year to take our team to France and then for more big things once we are in France.
We will be doing language school, missions school, figuring out insurance, getting rid of most of not all of our possessions, preschool, and then normal church life and family life and trying to soak in all of our "lasts" over the next year.
There is a good chance this blog will also be going private really soon... there are some that I know follow the blog that will be notified if a password is put up but some of you may read this from time to time and really want to keep stalking and I want you to... but you'll have to let me know how to get you the password.
My main concern is not endangering any current or future missionaries and protecting our children from unwanted predators (they are all of course unwanted).

5 The Trip Two

                          (Nimes, France)

 So we were loaded up and in the air, across the ocean and on new land.  France!

I have to admit that we were a little predisposed to like France.  Here we had been traveling for a day.. inside a dark airplane full of recycled air and terrible food and no sleep.  Then we were cooped up in the Paris airport, which was hot and cold depending on where you were and very dreary.  Then we took a short flight (where we all miraculously slept for an hour or so) and came out in Marseille, full on sunshine and warmth.  

We crammed into a couple of taxi cars/vans and drove the half hour or so to our hotel with the windows open flying down the highway, watching the coast of the Mediterranean the whole way.  Ah, fresh air and sunshine... two of my most favorite things in life!  I am pretty sure I exclaimed "I LOVE this place" at least a few times in the first hour.  

We drove into the city and found our hotel right between two metro stops and among apartments and bakeries and banks and normal life.  It wasn't a tall separate building but instead build right into an apartment-looking building.  The only thing that made it recognizable was the neon sign and sliding doors.  

I was pretty freaked about our accommodations b/c I am TERRIFIED of bed bugs and Europe is infamous for them.  We quickly discovered that this was a brand new hotel and that the assistant manager had become a believer through missionaries coming through like us.  There was free internet, the rooms were AMAZING with a kitchen and huge bathroom and drying rack and organic tea and sugar!!  Did I mention, "I LOVE THIS PLACE"?!

So, despite long and uncomfortable travel, I was fond of this place right from the start.  

Then we met the missionaries and they were each so sweet and kind and easy to talk to and REAL.  

The fact of their life and our trip is that there is spiritual attack and they are waging war in what might look like a losing battle to the untrained eye! 

The day before we got there some of the Ms had been robbed of all their summer finances.  Right after we got there the wife of the leader of the M team got really sick and then so did her daughter.  

However, despite many hiccups we settled in and got rested for the next day.  

The next day we scouted out a new area of town for them to distribute DVDs and other info about Christianity.  We sang in a couple of parks and some of the ladies did free henna (telling Bible stories through their art) and we prayer walked and distributed DVDS with Bible stories.  

Later we were able to go to one of the Ms apartments to get a feel for real life there and they were really open with us about finances and life there, which was great for us since we were really thinking about what it would be like to live there with our family.  

Did I mention I fell in love with the Ms?  

I don't know what it was but they were all so wonderful and genuine and interesting.  I loved hearing their stories and praying for their work and thinking about how our long term team might fit in with them, partnering to bring light to France!  

And we had amazing food.  (that would take a whole new post)

By late afternoon we were all bushed so they let us relax and take a ferry ride to a little island off the coast.  We walked (some hiked) and put our feet in the Mediterranean.  It was very refreshing. 

The next day was my favorite day of the whole trip.  

They told us to dress in our most modest outfits (we were already told to bring long skirts and shirts etc) and we went out to the North African market.

It is a market that is only once a week and it's like you've walked into Africa.  People are selling everything from trash to treasure on mats along the street and then you get into the actual market and it's teaming with N. Africans.  

Pretty much all N.Africans are muslim and many very conservative.  

So we broke up into teams of three and stationed ourselves along the entire street in front of the market and handed out DVDs of the prophets from the Bible.  

We handed out 800 DVDs in less than 2 hours.  

Our team rocked it out!!  

I was so so so nervous at first.  

I am not an in your face type of person and definitely not a solicitor.  But they assured us this was normal and acceptable in this culture... even to be a little pushy.

The first one was the hardest... who to ask first?

Then I lept.  

I just jumped out of myself and found myself speaking our three little French phrases and passing out DVDs faster than they could keep me stocked!  

I only spoke to women and some humored me but some were actually interested.  

I prayed for every single person I spoke to and some that I didn't speak to.  

I prayed for the hands that received those DVDs and the children tagging alongside those long flowing skirts.  

It was a thrill and an eye-opener.  What a see of deceit.  

The enemy has so many people completely blinded to the truth.  

Some of the teams even met open hostility while passing out.  

I know that the trip was not about me, but about helping these missionaries and encouraging them but man I was so blessed by this experience.  

To get outside of myself and feel the Holy Spirit working to give me courage and boldness and to prompt me to pray pray pray with genuine love for a people that honestly, I've always been afraid of.  

Those eyes, those hands.... they are human just like mine.  

They are sad or glad or mad or bored or excited just like the many people I pass in my every day life.  

That was Sunday so that night we led worship for the Ms at one of the local churches and heard from one of their pastors.  He is French... not really born there I'm pretty sure he was Belgian or something by birth but has been all over and in France for a long time.  More French than us for sure!  

His message was so stirring that if I ever had to pick a time I felt "called", it would be that sermon.  

The next day we went to Montpellier to meet up with a couple that had recently been sent through our church and the IMB and was still getting settled there.  They were there with one other family and not much was established there for us to do.  So we did a lot of prayer walking and exploring and it got cold and dreary and we got tired and over stimulated and more people got sick. 

The team leader of the Ms wife had to go in for emergency surgery and their daughter remained really ill and then the daughter of the leader in the second town was really sick and then the last day in the second place a guy on our team started to pass a kidney stone and got really ill and our plans continued to unravel and change every minute.  

Finally we stopped in Nimes on our way back to Marseille and it was amazing.  There was a Roman colosseum and other ancient artifacts and places and it was so quaint and full of personality.  But we were only there for mere hours.  

We also saw the full extend of segregation going on in France in Nimes.  The French and North Africans basically live in two different cities right next to each other and they do not mingle and they both call it Nimes.  It was overwhelming how huge the N. African part was and that there was no Christian presence at all.  It felt dark.  

We spent one last day in Marseille, filling up on our favorite foods and pastries and helping the Ms get work ready for all their summer project teams and saying goodbye.  

Then we left at 3am and started the long long journey home.

Four: the Trip

Deciding to go on the trip was relatively easy it seemed compared to the task of raising $6000 in support to go on the trip.
$6000 is a lot of money... like two months of living expenses, a really nice vacation or several nice vacations, more money than I have seen in cash ever before!
I really had basically no faith that we would actually be able to raise the money.  None of our friends or family are rich and honestly we don't have a ton of friends to even ask!
Thankfully our community group really called me out on my lack of belief.  They encouraged me to ask boldly from the Lord and from others and to trust the money would all come together.
So we took some family pictures, wrote letters, addressed envelopes, prayed and sent out about fifty support letters.
The funny thing about the letters... there were people we knew had money or knew loved missions that we were pretty sure would support us and then there were other people that we just wanted to keep updated on what was going on with us, who we would be thrilled if they could give $10 or just prayer.
However, when money started to come in, we were surprised over and over again at the generosity of people we never expected to give.  Family and friends both sacrificially gave to our mission trip and I was humbled again and again.  I can't tell you in words how thankful I was to the Lord for providing and to our friends and family for being so willing to join with us for this crazy journey.
Another awesome fact of the fund raising is that we had one specific deadline halfway through and got just enough money right before it was due.  Then there was a long period where we didn't get anything at all.  We were thankful for reaching the half way goal and were prepared to use tax refunds or savings for the rest and then the week before the final amount was due people generously stepped up again and we met our entire goal right in time.  Not a minute too soon but not a second late!
I am still in awe of how good my heavenly Father is and that even raising this money was a part of His plan to help me trust in Him for an even bigger plan.
We are also blessed with two sets of parents that helped us keep SJ while we were gone.  They are true champions (though I think they would gladly kick us out to keep SJ any time).
Leaving SJ was an even bigger fear for me than the money issue.  However, SJ did amazing.  We started talking about the trip just a few days before we left (we tried earlier but she didn't get it at all) and she was great with it and excited for her gparents to arrive.
However, two night before the trip she started screaming in the mornings for her mommy and I was pretty sure that was her little mind trying to cope with mommy leaving and a little spiritual warfare mixed in too perhaps.  It was so hard on my heart and then right as we were leaving she started crying that she wanted to go with us.  My heart actually broke I think.  I almost completely lost it and thankfully my mother-in-law stepped in to cheer SJ up about going to the park etc and so she was fine and then so was I.  I figured I would lose it after she left but I didn't.  My heart was totally at peace.  I knew she was happy and loved and going to have a blast and I was so thankful to be on this journey with Drew.
Praise God, she didn't wake up crying a single time while we were gone and never melted down for mommy or daddy but was then SUPER excited when we came back and was all love and cuddles for a few days.

So, we were paid up and loaded up and in the air... ready to meet France!