Mother-Load

What was the original "mother-load" that now causes eyes to bulge and hands to spread to show the magnitude, the intensity? This Mothers' Day I think I have found it, this load on mothers that is so extreme and so weighty and so universal that it has made it's way into pop culture jargon... mother-guilt.
I have yet to find a woman, no matter how old or young, who has grown eyes and skin and bones inside her being or agonized over months of paper work and meticulous training, who is not plagued by the hissing in their ears.
I can't believe you let your child cry in his bed... you are a selfish mother.
I can't believe you let your child sleep in your bed... you aren't tough enough.
You started food to early... or too late.
Your schedule is too lax... or too rigid.
You spank.
You don't spank.
When our children begin to sin, look us in the eye and say NO to God's way...we think... what have we done wrong? What could we have done different?
When a toddler hits you in the face, spits out his dinner and whines through out the store you feel the eyes of others burning into your back... even the eyes of God seem to weigh you down until you collapse, throw up your hands and cry out for HELP!
When children grow and are angry, distant, ungrateful or simply lost a mother looks back... did I spank enough or too much? What about that one time I got angry and had to leave the room... or raised my voice... or gave that look... if I had not done that one thing, would it be different today, this moment?
A mother makes a million decisions a day... what time to get the children up, what should they wear and what's to eat? How do you educate them and love them and discipline them and teach them all the things they need to know before life deals them a hard blow. What day to do the laundry and the shopping and when to play outside and how to stay safe and clean and socialized... what's for dinner and how many veggies have they had today? What about sleep overs and girl friends and boyfriends and church? Family worship, devotionals, bible memorization? What is enough and when is it too much. When to push and when to give? It's exhausting... and when so many decisions are made, it is impossible to feel secure you made them ALL right in any given day. Add to that multiple children and other people's children and then the clincher... SIN!
In the midst of this chaos of mind, it's easy to lose sight of God.
That God who is working all things for your good and His glory.
That God who is making you look more and more like his Son.
That God who knows your child more intimately than you and knows the trials they need to come to Him.
It's not all about you, or them or right now... it's about Him and this plan He has and IS working out... even when dishes lie dirty and laundry mildews in the washer and mom almost loses her cool, again...
His plan is working, molding, sanctifying... and it is good.
So, my present to you moms today and a present to myself... let it go. Work hard for the glory of God and raise open palms to the Lord with the rest and look your children in the eye and say, "I did my best, I was faithful... though a sinner and God has a plan for you!".
God doesn't ask us to save our children or give them a perfect life... he asks us to be faithful to Him
To glorify Him as we shepherd, train, discipline, love and give to God.

Love Him and him!

(Mirroring his heavenly Father, Drew is patient, kind, serving, loving, humble, compassionate, bold, teachable, flexible, adventurous, gentle, strong, wise... and very outdoorsy =) )

I am rereading a very special book for my Marriage and Family Counseling Class.
The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace.
I participated in a young, single girls bible study the last semester of my senior year in college and we went through this book (under the amazing Heather Hendrick...you should read her blog).
Martha and Heather worked together with Scripture to show us young ladies that we had it all wrong. We were on the hunt for "the one" and settling for less than God's best. God created "Adam" to lead and initiate and yet we "Eve"s were jumping the gun. It exposed so much sin in my life of selfishness and unbelief.
When Drew first told me he wanted to pursue me for marriage I said something like, "no thanks".
I was emotionally scarred and wounded from a long, recently ended relationship.
I was ready to be single... forever.
Going to seminary. etc etc
Then, it hit me that this might be the very thing I was learning about in class... not to pursue but to be pursued and see what the Lord had in store.
So I committed to "pray about it". Hoping nothing would come of it all.
As you all know by now...a couple of months later we were engaged and a few after that we were married and it has been the richest blessing (apart from salvation) I have ever received. It was also the time when I saw the Lord's hand move in amazing and tangible ways.
So, now I am rereading this book for class and I found this prayer at the end of the very first chapter, which covers what the Bible says on being an excellent wife. Drew was not on my radar and I was just beginning to hope I might have a chance at love again one day....
"Lord, please give me an open and willing heart to hear/read these words and understand your truths. I want to glorify you with my life and be broken of my sin. Please bring me a husband and prepare us to love each other and bring you glory in our relationship and our lives..."
Now I say... Yes and Amen to the first part and THANK YOU GOD for answering my prayer! How little did I believe God would actually answer this prayer when I first wrote it... but I dared hope in Him.
God showed up. (or maybe he was there all along and I finally had eyes to see and ears to hear!)
Here today I sit blessed by a wonderful husband, who is a wonderful father and faithful brother in Christ. He is the greatest gift and I am so thankful for him and proud of all that he is.
I pray the Lord will use this book again to challenge and change me into an excellent wife for Drew and for the Lord's glory and honor!

Here Lately

(the new "cheese" face)

It's been a flurry of activity around this place lately.
In case you didn't know, Drew got fired. I can't tell you what a wind of relief swept through this house and this soul when this happened. Enterprise has been like a stink stuck in the house or a weighty hand, always present on my shoulder. I felt physical relief when the Lord released us from that grip.
Drew did nothing wrong and neither did the handful of other people that got fired but that's Enterprise for you. They got scammed and instead of fixing a corporate problem, they shift blame and put themselves in a worse position... no manager, no assistant manager, no salesmen, no one to do titles and no boss over them all... good riddance.
We have been praying that God would provide a way out of erac for over three years now and though it is not the way we would have planned it, we are thankful. Thankful for time to get our other house on the market. Time to love on one another. Time to rest.
There is already another job lined up and dreams of jobs to come and time to think about vision and desire for the future.
SJ is loving her daddy being around!
She's also been practicing her mommy skills, she's quite good!

Love

Tomorrow is Valentine's day and many of us are tempted to pout.
Men and women crowd around candle lit tables and whisper to each other their love and devotion. Sparkly trinkets glitter and boast from the necks, wrists, fingers and ears of each lady and truck loads of flowers are delivered into the open arms of love lit faces.
Is this the picture of you this Valentine's weekend or is you face a stone fortress begging for a battle, or a squinted eye blazing with jealousy or does the sun lack enough rays to dry your dew strewn face?
I will admit, I have been each of these things in turn and wonder today if there is More for our hearts to seek and find and dwell within.
A Lover who does not fail and who empowers us to be a selfless love-giver too.
Many a man (and woman) I know protest this holiday as consumerific and trite and yet this noble stance seems to fall from its lofty steed when we glimpse on the Creator of Love and how lavishly He continually refills our love-cups, even to overflowing.
So, when I am disappointed by a lack of effort... am I loving others first?
When I heap expectations on another... am I giving them the gift they would ask for?
When I withhold a word, a deed, a gift, to build my box of suds... am I honoring the architect of one flesh?
So this year, let us give love freely with out requiring a fee from those we cherish.
Let us give out of the abundance we have received from the true Giver.
May our children rejoice that they are known and loved and that their parents are known and loved whether or not pennies are pinched or spent by the pound.



My #1 received two batches of homemade granola and some yummy treats for work and my love bucket will wake up to heart shaped oatmeal bars.
My greatest gift was a three day weekend at home with the two greatest loves the Lord has blessed me with!
I love you Drew (and SJ too)!

PJ Magic

There is something magical about a toddler first thing in the morning.
Maybe it's the way her hair whisps about in all directions or the perky pajamas that seem to embody her personality so well.
Or maybe it's the kisses she gives her favorite babies, knowing the night has been too long to go with out such treats.
I think it is the lack of fog and the joy in the mundane.
When I wake up in the morning I assess all my aching bones and wind up the clock to tick through another day. The first few moments are hazy and wordless. Fuel is needed to plow ahead.
But for this little morning ray there is no haze to be cleared but bright beams ready for business, adventure and exploration.
There is love to be poured out that was stored away and there are treasures to be found out (despite the spankings they might earn)!
So I snapped some pics of your favorite blessing since it seems selfish to keep all her smiles for myself.
How did she get so big?

January

Do you ever feel defeated? Like your spirit echoes the grayness in the continually cloudy sky?
Every January I seem to go through the same valley and though I look in the mirror and recognize the scenery, it is still a battle each and every time.
A battle for joy.
I love Christmas and thinking on the birth of Christ and how the entire world was holding its breath and waiting for his entrance.
And then the angels sang and he was heralded into the count down to save the world. Time was ticking and the universe was transformed and because of that first breath, we celebrate.
I love trying to find special gifts for those I love. I love the music and the lights and the tree. I love being reunited with our family and eating until I bust.
It's a wonderful season.
New Year's is always anticlimatical, though thought provoking. Basically New Year's is just another step in the right direction... my birthday. I'll admit, I love to have a birthday!
I have this complex where I continually doubt people's love for me and this is just a small reflection of a deeper heart issue. I am realizing more and more how little I accept God's love for me and the worth he has spoken into me through his son. I am always beating on the door of achievement to reassure myself I am worth love and acceptance.
It causes problems.
So a birthday is a relief, a day when I am bombarded with messages of love and friendship and reminded that maybe I am okay.
There is also the fact that I have always... always looked forward to being 27. Don't know why but it's my favorite number and I always knew if I wasn't married, I would marry at 27. If I didn't have kids, I would do so at 27. Life would begin at 27... thankfully my life has already been full and thus I don't have to make any hasty decisions this year (except to get bangs or not.. which I did).
Then comes the 8th. And the 9th. And the 24th.
Then I get the blahs.
I've read a book a week since December.
I'm ready for classes to start.
SJ starts to break in four teeth.
Job issues arise.
It's back to real life and the real sins that are always a part of that life.
Then I find myself doubting.
Why am I still struggling with these things? Why do I always fall into the same trap? Why do I love ease? Why can't I love others better? Why.. Why...Why?
Who am I?
Where is the Spirit of God in me?
And there's his foothold. That sly snake and roaring lion steps right in to my self love and self doubt and starts his whispering. The problem is, the secrets he whispers about my identity are so loud, they beat out truth. They make me dizzy and sick until I find myself crying out... SAVE ME JESUS!
I. WANT. YOU.
And I am falling.
I disbelieve Jesus' sacrifice was enough for a sinner like me. I disbelieve that I am accepted and loved by a God of truth and justice.
But every January, He hears my cry.
He picks up this broken and lost lamb from the very pit.
He dusts me off and speaks His Truth into my very soul.
You are loved.
You are accepted.
This world will be a struggle... but you. are. MINE.

1.1.11