Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Aversion

Lately I have been having an aversion to blogging. I have actually been having an aversion to a lot of things lately. I think it has something to do with cooped-up-in-the-house syndrome.
I'll just be honest here, we all know that life is not happy-go-lucky all the time, though I try to make my posts as upbeat as possible. No, I am not depressed nor do I need to be pitied. But I am going to be honest.
Not working is not necessarily all that it's cracked up to be. Well, that could be a lie... I really didn't like working at most of the jobs I had in the past. However, I always had school. I am not a good self learner... I like to have a syllabus and requirements that will motivate me to do the work (yes the legalist in me still slips out). I get bored reading non fiction books when they are not for a specific purpose or goal. For instance, I have gobbled up any birth, nursing, baby book that has touched my fingertips because I know that there is a purpose in that. When I was in class, whatever was assigned to me was for a purpose.. the purpose of doing well in the class and understanding the material being taught. I really enjoy learning and I am just starting to realize how much I miss it. And I've been really lacking on good fiction. So, I've found myself missing school and studying and being busy.
Lately I have felt very isolated and lonely because all of my friends work or have lots of kids to keep them busy while I do not. I would love to deep clean my house but the presence of every type of saw, drill and compressor through out my living room and dining room creates sort of a problem in the cleaning area. I can't lift heavy things to rearrange the chaos and thus I am just stuck in the world of messy house and over active brain. I can keep myself busy with exercising and cooking and minor cleaning for most of the day, most days a week but then there are afternoons where it seems like Drew will never be home (which is especially painful since he works 10 hour days or more). I do not want to be lazy (or a complainer for that matter) but things I used to do to stay busy (watch other people's kids, hang out with other moms) seem a lot harder. It's harder for me to baby sit because I am afraid I will fall asleep while watching the kids... haha... but really, I can sleep at the drop of a hat these days and I can't lift heavier children all that well any more (learned that the hard way in the church nursery). Then there is also the intimidation factor. I hate feeling like I am always asking people if I can come over or hang out... some times my insecurities just get the better of me and I dread always being the initiator and bugging people too much. And we don't have TV and no good movies are out for rent... so I'm a little stuck sometimes about what to do with myself!
So, there it is... why I haven't felt like blogging... because none of that is very fun to type or to read.
On a brighter note though, I have been digging my heals in with the Lord. I want to deal with these feelings now because more than likely I will feel them when I have a little baby to care for too. I have been taking my time in the Word, instead of just reading through and asking myself questions about the text and it has made the Word so much richer to me these last few days. I'm also learning more about sin. I have always felt like unwanted feelings were sinful but I am learning that just isn't true. I am learning that it's okay to be sad or hurt or even frustrated... but it's what you do with those feelings that can turn into sin. So I've been taking a deeper look at myself and trying to realize when I am sinning and when I am just feeling. I'm also learning how to be more selfless in the midst of these feelings and trying to consider others (especially my amazing and hard working husband) first... which might look like not always venting my feelings on them or seeking others thoughts and feelings before dishing out my own. So, I think the Lord is gracious and teaching me so many things even though I don't necessarily enjoy the season.
Another plus, I have officially less than 2 months until my due date! HURRAY! Well, half hurray. I really like being pregnant (but can't wait to meet Stella too). I like that when I am out exercising that people who never would make eye contact with me before now ask me how I am doing and tell me they are proud of me and that my hard work will pay off etc... just today I was walking with another mom and a lady passed us and said, "look at you two, way to go". I love it. I always try to smile and say hello, especially to the regulars at my park, but not until I started to pop out did they ever return any sign of life.
I also love that I have been virtually allergy free for the last 7 months! Praise the Lord for his blessings on me in that area!!!! I also love seeing my belly move and jump when I am sitting perfectly still and not doing anything to promote any movement.. it's such a miracle and it still makes me laugh out loud. Stella is getting so big now that I can usually find her body parts just by feeling around on my stomach. She is a very active little baby so far. I can't believe there is really a little human baby in there!
However, I am looking forward to joining the motherhood club and having new insights and struggles to share with a whole new group of women that I have never been able to completely connect with before. I am looking forward to growing as a woman and experiencing the Lord is deeper ways. I am also looking forward to sleeping on my back or stomach and not having to go to the bathroom every hour.
I really can't believe that we have come this far. I still remember being 8 weeks and thinking I would NEVER make it until 30 weeks, it seemed like an eternity. Here I am in week 32.
Speaking of me, (as though that's not what this has all been about)... here's a picture. This picture is actually a week or so old, but I haven't been growing by drastic leaps and bounds this week so it'll have to do until I get more uploaded.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far, this was a long one!

2 comments:

lauren said...

Hey girl I just read your blog. A book I just finished this summer was called Mom Walk by Sally Clarkson. I was a easy read about godly characteristics in a mom and she told lots of fun stories about her own kids. Hang in there before you know it you will be in the house all day and wonder how it got to 3 pm so fast.

cal+claire said...

i love you and your fabulous honesty