Tuesday, July 28, 2009

So Unfair

I have a problem with "unfair". I don't think people told me enough when I was young, "life's not fair" or at least, it never sank in. I have always had a problem with things being unfair. I remember vividly times when I had to do something because of something bad one of my sisters did and it would send me into an internal rage. This is so silly, and I don't in any way blame my parents... families work together and thus siblings end up pulling each other's weight sometimes... but when I was little I did not see this as clearly.
I remember again in school how unfair things were. Teacher's kids getting picked for scholarships and honors and on and on I could go about unfair.
Most recently in my walk with God he has been chiseling away at this area. With the help of my gentle and loving husband I am reminded that life was never really meant to be fair... at least not after the fall. Instead of fair, it's God's plan... he works through the lowly and cast off people of society and saves sinners despite their hardness towards himself. It was not fair for God to call me out of darkness, that's not at all what I deserve... God refines his children though blessing and hardship and is constantly working all things to his glory and knitting together THE plan... so I am getting there... slowly...
But today I had a major set back... I find myself wanting to stomp my feet and bang my fists and scowl and say "THAT'S NOT FAIR!". Today I got an email from the lady we were supposed to be buying the crib from. We were to pick it up tomorrow morning... it was practically ours already! Well she emailed me today that her circumstances have changed and she is sorry but she can't sell us the crib.. WHAT? I just talked to her a day or two ago to set up the pick up time... it's just not fair. I know it's so trivial and silly... but I find myself mumbling "unfair" again.
However, in the back of my head the more rational me is telling me to "stop", "chill", "it will be okay". I know that God has provided all of our needs and will continue to do so and for Stella. I know that there are people all over the world with sick and dying babies who would laugh in my face for such trivial cares... I am sure they know a little more about unfair. I know that cribs aren't even necessary.
So, I am breathing... going to clean house and bake some sort of blueberry goodness and then craft with some friends... and try to silence the voice in my head chanting "unfair".
Don't get me wrong... I seriously know I am blessed... that's why this is all so complex and annoying when it creeps in again!

1 comment:

Courtney said...

Praise God that you are aware of the truth you know needs to sink in. Don't you hate sin! As much as we want to conquer it, we keep acting like it controls us. Thanks be to Christ Jesus for dying for our sins of self-pity and teaching us to be more and more like Him each day. I love you and am praying now that God provides another crib for you soon, at a better deal. Enjoy your clean home, blueberry goodness, and time with friends.